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Fear of the rest of the semester

By Gaveliers, The Gavel Media Team, on November 2, 2009 7:52 PM

By “Maria”

As soon as I set foot back on campus thoughts of my ex came back. I wondered what the boys in my building would be like and if I would ever consider continuing my hook up with the boy I had left at the end of last year. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how meaningless and useless all that was. My ex was in a happy relationship, the boy I had been hooking up with had barely talked to me all summer, and to be perfectly honest, I did not care what the boys in my building looked like.

I was, and I could be honest with myself, perfectly happy being single. I looked forward to having a great year. I looked forward to getting involved, to going to my classes, and most of all, I looked forward to having a great time with my friends. But could I still have fun with my other single friends if I was actively trying to keep myself from hooking up? It wasn’t that I wouldn’t be looking for boys to hook up with or simply that I wouldn’t want to, but what if I was actively trying NOT to hook up? I’m not a unattractive girl, but I am not a drop dead gorgeous supermodel who has boys lining up at my door, so I didn’t think that it would be a problem keeping boys away, but would this decision make any difference in how I act around other guys? Would it make any difference with my friends? I had to find out.

So I started by telling my roommate, who despite her very conservative, Catholic views, had to listen to my antics all of last year. She laughed and said I wouldn’t last the week. My best friend was also skeptical. He didn’t think I’d make it through the first night. It wasn’t, they both made it clear, that I was easy, or that I would be looking for it, but get any number of young, college kids drunk, throw them in a party, put on some music, and it will just be natural. Or is it? Can I do all the other stuff, but keep myself from hooking up? I had to try.

So this is how this started. A simple conversation, a lack of confidence. I’d like to say I’m doing it so that I can devote more time to myself, that I may come out at the end of the semester knowing more about myself, this place I live in and the culture I am a part of. I’d like to say I am doing it so that I can be a better person for it. But maybe I am doing it because I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it, that I will become so miserable being alone half way through that I will crash and burn. But it is precisely because I am scared of what I will find out, scared of what this will show me that makes me realize that it is something I have to do.