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Opinion: Taking the (White) House

By Gaveliers, The Gavel Media Team, on April 4, 2010 10:30 PM

Michael Mullin -

Bart Stupak missed one hell of an opportunity. The congressman from Michigan had President Barack Obama on the hook, to the point where the President had resorted to promising an executive order.  Stupak, the leader of a group of pro-life Democratic holdouts in the House of Representatives, found himself in a rare position of power; the President seemingly would have granted him just about anything for the votes of his compatriots on the healthcare bill. However, remaining true to his constituents and personal conviction, Stupak reached a deal with Obama, trading votes for a forthcoming executive order barring federal funds in abortion cases not involving rape, incest, or life-threatening circumstances for the mother.

Yeah, nice job, Stupak. Rule number one for a public official: if you get the President on the hook, you go big. Always go big, because carte blanche with the most powerful man in the world is a chance few will ever be granted.

In the interest of preparedness, and the indulgence of the mother of all my Obama fantasies, what follows is the official go-to wish list from the President for the future. A situation like the one presented to Mr. Stupak does not materialize every day; the only parallel hypothetical I can think of is if someone caught Warren Buffett and some farm animal engaged in inappropriate activity on camera.

The blackmail windfall from that is equal to the wide berth of “compensation” Stupak could have received from Obama’s executive order genie lamp. And, just to be clear, the President’s executive order genie lamp is painted to resemble a bald eagle, with the words “Keep It Real” inscribed on the banner the eagle is holding in its claws. Respect. Without further ado, the nine things you always ask for with the President on the hook.

One: College Football Playoff. Since Obama has already voiced his opinion on this issue, it should be the easiest to get off the table. How much longer can college football endure without a true playoff system? Probably a long time, but that is beside the point. The BCS is garbage. America does not do point systems or listen to sissy computers; debates over who is the best in college football should be settled on the field.

Two: A Las Vegas Basketball Team (given part-ownership). Classic low-ball technique. Slide the easy one in first, and then throw the big mama at him. Obviously, signing an executive order to establish a multi-million dollar organization might be construed as an abuse of power, but I am willing to look past specifics in this case. The sport with the craziest personalities gets a team in the City of Sin. It’s a recipe for debauchery. On a given weeknight, players are throwing down stomach-churning dunks, and, three hours later, they’re throwing up dollar-dollar bills. Give me the GM job, and I’ll put together the funniest, most over-the-top group of guys you will ever see. Potential starting five: Brandon Jennings, JR Smith, John Salmons, Chris “Birdman” Anderson, and Kenyon Martin. “Isn’t that just the Bucks and Nuggets rosters combined?” Who said that?

Three: Sleepover at the White House. It is imperative to finagle at least a one nights’ stay in the best hotel public money can buy. Accompanying the sleepover, the President would give a personal tour and offer up some of his favorite meals. Finish the night off with a couple of Bill Clinton’s old cigars, watching Sportscenter highlights, and make sure to pick the Lincoln bedroom.

Four: Lifetime Tax Exemption. Self-explanatory.

Five: Area 51/JFK Assassination Secrets. Absolutely necessary. I want to know about the aliens. Were there any? Did they mention me at all? And the real story about JFK is a priceless piece of information. I am betting that there was a gunman on the grassy knoll, but, for all anyone knows, it could really have been a magic bullet. State secrets about the existence of magic would be a welcome bonus. Alohomora, baby.

Six: A Seat on the 1st Commercial Spaceflight. Perhaps the President will be, or has already been, offered a spot on the Virgin Galactic’s inaugural launch. I would make the convincing argument that clearly he has better ways to spend his time, like run the country, than sightsee.

Seven: Ambassador Gig in Tropical Island/Europe. Ideally, I would be making friends with him at this point. “Mike, listen, some of this stuff I can do for you, but what are you thinking long-term? You can’t live in Vegas forever.” “No, you listen, Barry. I can live in Vegas forever; that’s a promise.” Obama continues, “I’m just worried about that type of lifestyle as you start getting older. I’ll let you be part owner, but I want you to take the position of US Ambassador to the Bahamas to jumpstart a career in foreign affairs. How does that sound?” “Did I ever tell you how much our friendship means to me?” I respond.

Eight: Red Sox Season Tickets. He must have connections, right?

Nine: 1-on-1 vs. Barack; Double or Nothing. Get ready to rub that lamp one more time, Mr. President.