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The Unsolicited Celebrity Advice Column: Kate Middleton’s Fetus

By Jenna LaConte, Culture Editor, on December 3, 2012 10:39 PM

Dear Kate Middleton’s Fetus,

According to Facebook, Twitter and the group text I have going with my roommates, people are very excited for your birth. And I mean very excited. Even the Obamas are thrilled for your arrival. I have to admit, the thought of a little royal baby had me ooh-ing and ahh-ing all morning as well. However, after giving it some thought, I’m wondering if you are ready for all that comes with being born into royalty. Here is some advice for navigating your soon-to-be-spectacular life.

1.  Befriend Sofia Grace and Rosie. You’ll need good friends by your side to show you the ropes of being young, British and fabulous. Who better than the ultimate diva duo?

2.  The Internet is a dark and scary place. Leafing through family photo albums is fun. Stumbling upon topless paparazzi photos of your mother sunbathing in France is not. Rule of thumb: think before you click!

3.  What happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas. Just ask your Uncle Harry. Much like the paparazzi, Smartphones are your enemy.

4.  Never wear white to a wedding. Not because it’s tacky, but rather because unless you take after your Aunt Pippa, you will never live up to the stunner who stole the spotlight at your parents’ wedding. I know your gender has not been revealed yet, but this applies even if you are a boy.

5.  Most girls (or boys) need to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their Prince (or Princess) Charming, but you do not have this luxury. Don’t waste time with people who don’t deserve to be in your presence. Might I recommend that you set your sights on one of the Beckham children? It would bring your families’ relationship full circle, as the celebrity couple looked posh as ever at your parents’ wedding. Whether Harper grows up to look like Victoria or any of the boys grow up to look like David, you cannot go wrong with a Beckham.

I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you. I know this feels like a lot of pressure, but just remember: if you need a live-in nanny to guide you along your path to excellence, I guess I can take time away from being a starving English major to help raise you.

Unsolicitedly yours,

Jenna