If you’re a normal human being, I’m sure that your reaction to the above word sounded something like this: WHAT THE _  _  _  _ DOES THAT MEAN ?! (<- mentally insert your four letter word of choice)

Anyway, according to many people who like to talk about their problems on the Internet, this 14 syllable word means a paralyzing fear of long words. Ohhhh, that TOTALLY makes sense when you think about it, right?

WRONG.

Doctors weirdly claim they developed the term through a fusion of the word “Hippopotamus” and the phrase “Monster-related fear of very long words” intended to capture the magnitude of the fear it describes, but do you know what I think?

I THINK THOSE SICKOS HAVE A VENDETTA AGAINST THE SUFFERING. I mean, c’mon, making the word for a fear of long words longer than most words in the dictionary is just CRUEL. Can you imagine what moments of diagnosis must look like?

Doctor: I wish it could be otherwise, but test results show that you have Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Yes, that’s right, you have Hip-po-pot-o-mon-stro-ses-quip-ped-ali-o-phob-i-a.

Patient: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Runs out of office.

Runs into street.

Narrowly misses getting hit by tractor-trailer.

Rolls into corner of parking lot.

DIES.

So, while you may dislike long words, be happy that they will never cause you to self-destruct (unless you are a complete weirdo)!

Happy studying!

4. Be happy that no one tried to insert a fiery piece of tree bark up your ass! Um, seriously though.

So, in an effort to spark up her relationship (couldn’t resist), a 26-year-old woman from Kama, Letňany, attempted to set her boyfriend’s ass on fire! Well, to be honest, Letňany attempted to ignite her boyfriend’s donk in a fit of rage that I find ABSOLUTELY hil-urr-ious.

Pretend you are in a theater as I describe the scene:

It is a serene Christmas Day in Kama, which, because it is located in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, probably means that it is extra sunny outside . Anyway, amidst all of this abundant peace, Letňany’s boyfriend decides to take his damn time getting ready for the typical Christmas Day festivities.  Letňany, needless to say, gets PISSED OFF.

After trying to tell him to hurry up, which probably uses up a lot of her energy (imagine her being exasperated but frustrated at the same time), Letňany decides to do the next best thing: beat the living crap out of him. I’m not sure how this exactly plays out, but I do know that after serving him his large can of whoopass, Letňany decides to take whoopass to a whole new level of literalness and stick a piece of wood in his ass, which she proceeds to set on fire.

YIKES!

Well, her boyfriend decides that his charcoaled ass needs serious medical attention, and drags it on over to the hospital (probably as Letňany chases after him, so imagine her desperately running and trying to wipe some remaining pieces of bark off her fingers).

Once he safely gets into the hospital and has his burnt backside examined, doctors determine that he has some pretty serious injuries: bleeding wounds of the rectum and second and third degree burns of soft tissue on the buttock area. Ouch.

The scene ends with Letňany facing up to eight years in jail. She probably looks disheveled and really pissed off.  She may have made her boyfriend’s ass well-done, but she didn’t do a job well-done and that just stinks.

End scene.

As for her boyfriend, like I said before, be happy you aren’t him and that you can comfortably sit in a nice chair while studying.

3. Be happy that you probably don’t hate yourself as much as the woman who gave her boss a kidney, and then got canned!

Is it bad that when I first read this story I laughed so intensely that having only one kidney would have probably been a good thing? JUST KIDDING… LOLOL! Um, yea… well, anyway, in June 2010, Deborah Stevens visited her boss, Jackie Brucia, a controller for the Atlantic Automotive Group. During this meeting, Brucia conveniently informed Stevens about her need for a kidney.  Generous Stevens said she would be more than willing to help out if necessary.

Well, a few months later when Stevens asked Brucia for her job back, Brucia gave it to her. Brucia then proceeded to ask Stevens if her kidney offer had been serious, to which Stevens replied, “Sure, yeah.”  Geeze, where’s all her kidney love at?

Anyway, after giving her kidney to Bruccia, Stevens claimed that Bruccia began abusing her (woman so HEARTLESS).

As a result, Stevens filed a formal complaint with the New York State Human Rights Commission, claiming that Brucia manipulated her into donating the organ. “She just started treating me horribly, viciously, inhumanly after the surgery,” Stevens told ABC. “It was almost like she hired me just to get my kidney.”

Now, while you may be tempted to go and find Stevens so you can tell her “NO ISH SHERLOCK” and laugh in her face, what happened to her is pretty tragic.

For Bruccia, though, while she may eventually catch a cold from all of the ice inside her soul, she is currently sporting a brand new kidney that probably makes her feel great!

So, yea, be happy you aren’t Stevens, and didn’t get employed just to be toyed!  Oh snap.

2. Be happy that you will not be as friendless as Jessica Vega, the woman who faked terminal cancer for her dream wedding and got caught! If you’re already friendless, be happy that you have nothing to lose and lie your face off!

Sorry these are getting shorter, but I’m sure that like me, you have lots of studying to do! Still, we are definitely not that unfortunate.

1. Be happy that Scumbag Steve probably won’t be coming to your house anytime soon!

Actually being Scumbag Steve probably wouldn’t be such a bad deal; he makes successful YouTube videos, writes catchy rap songs, and snags tons of free beer! Awww yeaaa.  Being Scumbag Steve’s friend, though, is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT story.

As his friend, you’d probably be lucky in the sense that he would BE REAL with you and let you know about all of his faults through song. Yes, he would basically tell you all of the reasons why being his friend COMPLETELY SUCKS (gotta give him some cred for that, yo). But let me tell you, the downsides to being his friend are ABUNDANT.

If you want to pursue his friendship despite his faults because YOLO, please make sure to first watch the video below so you’ll know where your girlfriend’s weave is at when it gets stolen. If you do not want to pursue his friendship, and actually want nothing to do with him, watch this video anyway because it is freaking hilarious. GOOD LUCK WITH FINALS… WE’RE ALMOST DONE!

PEACE.

“President Obama today announced that he now supports same-sex marriage, reversing his longstanding opposition amid growing pressure from the Democratic base and even his own vice president.

In an interview with ABC News’ Robin Roberts, the president described his thought process as an “evolution” that led him to this place, based on conversations with his own staff members, openly gay and lesbian service members, and conversations with his wife and own daughters.

“I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married,” Obama told Roberts, in an interview to appear on ABC’s “Good Morning America” Thursday. Excerpts of the interview will air tonight on ABC’s “World News with Diane Sawyer.”

The price tag, $6 billion, is the subject of on contention for the Republicans. They oppose the Democrats’ method of paying for it, though Republican party leaders have said that they do wish to pass a bill that would keep the loan rate at 3.4 percent.

GOP Senators are planing on presenting their own version of the bill which would include the bill being paid for by eliminating the preventive health fund created by President Obama’s 2010 health care overhaul.

Click here for more information.

Hollande’s won very narrowly, defeating Sarkozy by taking 51.6 percent of the vote. President-elect Hollande will be France’s first left-wing president since 1995 when Francois Mitterrand left office. Hollande argues that the people feel a sense of relief because of his victory means a stark shift in economic practices.

European economies have crumbled under the weight of many austerity measures – those being tax hikes and budget cuts. Hollande said he would renegotiate the fiscal compact EU leaders signed late last year and advocate for the inclusion of a “growth dimension.” The pact is designed to reign in fiscal irresponsibility in order to prevent any more future crisis by ensuring that governments respect deficit rules and do not overspend.

Political upheaval in Europe left the markets relatively unscathed with the euro recovering from its initial sharp losses and local equity markets up. European Union officials are expected to begin debating ways to boost economic growth, after votes in France and Greece rejected austerity.

The results of the weekend elections in the two European countries heightened the uncertainty of the path ahead for the euro zone debt crisis. But most European stock markets rose, with the noted exception of Greece, while the euro was only slightly lower.

In France, the presidential and legislative elections are not held on the same day and voters will have to return to the polls next month to elect the 577 members of the National Assembly, the lower house.

“A Socialist-led coalition won control of the Senate—the upper house— late last year, but Mr. Hollande won’t be able to push through his agenda during his five-year mandate unless the left also commands a majority in the National Assembly,” noted Wall Street Journal reporter Gabriele Parussini.

If the party behind Sarkozy, and other conservative movements were to win the June election, Mr. Hollande would be forced to pick a prime minister from their ranks. That would essentially strip him of most of his political authority and relegated to ceremonial functions.

In 2010, student loan debt surpassed credit card debt in America which led to further study of the statistics, demographics, and eventual implications of growing student loan debt.

Estimates suggest that the average borrower exits school with approximately $12,800 of debt. While this greatly affects young adults just out of college, only one third of this debt belongs to them. Another third of the debt belongs to adults aged 30 to 39 and the last third is debt owned by adults 35 to 49 years of age, the fastest growing category of debtors.

Reasons for these statistics include a slowed job market and increased demand for new skills in the workplace. Both of these factors are causing older working-aged adults to return to school and borrow the money needed to do it .

Although the average debt hovers around $13,000, approximately 1 percent of borrowers owe upwards of $150,000 in loans after four years of college. High-debt borrowers attribute their massive amount of loan debt to poor or uninformed decision-making and to a misunderstanding of their loan agreements. Only after graduation do many of these borrowers realize the scope of their debt and the trouble they will have with repaying their loans.

While student debt is fast approaching $1 trillion, many believe that the increasing rate of student loan debt will not have a crisis effect on the American economy. The student debt crisis is not expected to resemble the housing crisis of the late 2000s because student debt only accounts for about 8 percent of household debt. Some argue it would be virtually impossible for student debt to have the same resounding effect that other debt crises have had on the American economy.

On the other side of the student debt debate, the most significant effect that the student debt crisis will have is a negative one on the American middle class. Student loans postpone many college graduates’ plans of settling down, getting married, starting a family, and buying a home. Having to use part of their wages in order to repay loans makes it difficult for some college graduates to enter the middle class. It is equally as difficult for those in the middle class to remain middle class without making lifestyle changes.

While student loan debt is not viewed as the next serious American debt crisis in most think-tanks, its negative effects have drawn increased attention thanks to President Obama’s campaign. The harmful impact of a shrinking middle class on the US economy has recently become the political weapon of the Democratic party.

President Obama has taken his argument on tour the past few weeks, visiting college campuses around the nation. The President has utilized many social media outlets in order to spread the message to the young voter block. In a conference call on Air Force One to student journalists April 24, the president talked about the “critical importance” the possible doubling of loan rates on students this summer.

In 2007, Congress passed the College Cost Reduction and Access Act and reduced the interest rate of subsidized undergraduate Stafford Loans by fifty percent. The interest rate cut established by the 2007 Act is set to expire on July 1st of this year.

In a statement from College Democrats of Boston College, they noted that “government-subsidized loans have been instrumental in helping young Americans finance their college education…If Congress does not act, Stafford Loan interest rates will revert to 6.8 percent, costing a student who takes out the maximum $23,000 loan up to $4,598 when paid back over 10 years.”

President Obama is contesting that “in America, higher education can’t be a luxury” and that an investment in education is the best option of the country’s progress.

“I’ve always believed that we should be doing everything we can to help put higher education within reach for every single American student – because the unemployment rate for Americans with at least a college degree is about half the national average.  And it’s never been more important.”

But because education has also never been as expensive, there is concern over whether or not the country can actually afford investing in it right now. “The bottom line here,” the president said “is we can’t just cut our way to prosperity.  Making it harder for our young people to afford higher education, allowing them to earn their degrees — that’s nothing more than cutting our own future off at the knees.  And Congress has to keep interest rates on student loans from doubling, and they need to do it now.”

Next year, the accumulative mandatory meal plan is expected to be $4,818, allowing only $350 to be used at the Chocolate Bar, vending machines, and now Hillside. Unused funds will still go to Boston College and not be refunded.

A petition has been started on change.org to stop the “unreasonable” increases to the meal plan and the further restriction of funds. The petition states “By signing this petition, you’re saying that you want a better dining experience. You, the student, are demanding changes that benefit YOU, not the pockets of BC Dining. We’re tired of being charged exorbitant prices for food and a meal plan that is mandatory. We’re tired of not having a say in a better dining experience. We’re tired of being roped in to a meal plan that puts us at the mercy of whatever the BC Dining Czar wants, and never getting money back that we don’t use. We want a system that works, that gives us quality for what we pay, and lets us make our own decisions on how we spend our money.”

The site has reached so far reached nearly 300 out of the goal of 1,000 signatures.

In the comments section, Cassie Martin said “There’s no way most of us will be able to spend that much, especially if the majority of it can’t even be spent at Hillside. It just forces us to spend unreasonable and unnecessary amounts of money, or else lose it at the end of the year.”

“If you can’t break even even though a substantial portion of your customers don’t use up their entire mandatory meal plans (girls and vegetarians, let alone vegetarian girls), YOU are doing something wrong, BCDS” noted Sarina Sadana.  ”And if this decision is motivated by a desire to make a profit, then shame on BC’s administration for working with such an organization. Either way–$350 to be spent at a place that offers $7 sandwiches is laughable.”

To sign the petition, click here.

Video by Lauren Rever

5.  You should be happy that you aren’t Mahogany Pleshette Mason-Kelly.

After having outstanding traffic violations for quite awhile, the student at Lamar University became a little too confident in her status as a free woman.  So, like any other overly self-assured, brave young woman would do, she twitter-taunted the cops.

“I still gotta warrant in pearland..those pigs will NEVER catch me!!!…NEVER!!!” she tweeted.

The bad news: an officer from the Pearland Police Department saw her tweet, and Mason-Kelly was arrested shortly afterward.

What makes this news even worse: It turns out that Mason- Kelly had impersonated her sister, Turquoise, during a traffic stop.  Consequently, she is facing more serious charges in addition to the $1,877 she has to pay in fines for not appearing in court.

What makes this news completely, abso-freaking-lutely unfortunate: both Mahogany Pleshette Mason- Kelly, and her sister, Turquoise Mason- Kelly, are named after Crayola crayons.

So, in sum, BE HAPPY THAT YOU ARE NO ONE IN THIS STORY, and go study in the library with an embarrassingly huge smile on your face. That’s an order!

4.  You should also be happy that you are not demented enough to be the dude who tried to pay off his credit card balance with a crappy spider drawing! Seriously.  Read the conversation between him and a banker through the link below, and you will never feel like a freak again! You are very welcome .

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847

Do you think this is worth $233.95? Because, um, I DO NOT.

3.  Be happy that you were not manhandled, and captured in a ridiculously unflattering photo, like this guy was!

This man happens to be a Guarani Indian who was removed from Brazil’s Supreme Federal Court after he disrupted a session of judging the constitutionality of racial quotas in public universities. Ouchies!

2. Be happy you are not disgusting enough to have come up with the idea for this:

Um, seriously? WHO WOULD INVENT ROAD KILL T-SHIRTS?! There is even an entire website full of shirts like this one. I am going to provide the link below, in case you want to look through them all and feel EVEN BETTER about yourself! If you feel the urge to buy one, though, then this number on the list sadly does not apply to you, and you should look to other examples on the list to feel better about your life! I got you ;p.

Link to site:

http://www.roadkilltshirts.com/

1. Be happy that after watching this video one time, you will NEVER have to watch it again. Oh, yea, and of course still revel in the fact that you are not, and never will be, THIS GUY.