The Unsolicited Celebrity Advice Column: Katy Perry

Dear Katy Perry,

As a human being who lives on planet Earth — a version of planet Earth that is covered in cupcakes and lollipops, that is, but still planet Earth — you must know about John Mayer’s reputation. He has been linked to just about every girl in Hollywood.

By now, John Mayer is tainted goods. You may be the ex-wife of a recovering sex addict, but you have still got plenty of life left in you. Don’t waste time playing sloppy seconds to:

Kim Kardashian.  No, really.  He’s been all up in that.

 

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Taylor Swift.  And she wrote a song about it.  Big surprise.

 

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Ricki Lake.  I’m not even going to honor this relationship with a response.

 

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Jessica Simpson.  He referred to her as “sexual napalm” post-breakup, so at least you know he’s a gentleman.  But then again, that may be all she has going for her.

 

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There are also some respectable names in Mayer’s little black book, including but not limited to Jennifer Aniston (girl-crush), Vanessa Carlton (double girl-crush), and Minka Kelly (ultimate girl-crush). Regardless, quit letting yourself be a statistic.

Dating John Mayer is like getting a star on the Hollywood Walk-of-Fame: every famous person has been there and you arguably don’t need to be human to qualify.

Being married to Russell Brand may have screwed you up, but you’re better than this on-again off-again fling.  Maybe you should go back to the lead singer from Gym Class Heroes.  He was willing to be one nocturnal son of a gun for you.

 

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Unsolicitedly yours,

Jenna

 

School, major and year: A&S, English and communication, 2014

Hometown: Acton, MA, but my parents recently moved to Beacon Hill, which is way cooler.

What makes the Gavel so BANGin’? Everyone is just the perfect amount of weird. It is one of very few environments in which I don't feel like the weirdest person in the room.
If you could go back in time and give yourself a pep talk the night before you moved into BC as a freshman, what is the most important piece of advice that you would give to your former self? I would offer myself a friendly reminder that everyone comes to college friend-less, and therefore looking for friends. Before coming to BC, I pictured myself eating every meal in solitude because I forgot that I wasn't the only person who would be entering day one without really knowing anybody. That was silly of me.
What is your favorite study spot on campus? Stuart law classrooms.
What is your go-to meal at Late Night? Mozzarella sticks.
What is the #1 most played song on your iTunes? "Gong Li" -- Red Hot Chili Peppers.
What is the best Halloween costume that you have ever worn? I was a Hershey's kiss as a toddler. Aaaaaand I rocked it.
If you could befriend the main characters from any TV show or movie, who would you choose and why? "The Office," because I have always thought that Jim and Pam would appreciate my sense of humor.

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