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The Unsolicited Celebrity Advice Column: Katy Perry

Dear Katy Perry,

As a human being who lives on planet Earth — a version of planet Earth that is covered in cupcakes and lollipops, that is, but still planet Earth — you must know about John Mayer’s reputation. He has been linked to just about every girl in Hollywood.

By now, John Mayer is tainted goods. You may be the ex-wife of a recovering sex addict, but you have still got plenty of life left in you. Don’t waste time playing sloppy seconds to:

Kim Kardashian.  No, really.  He’s been all up in that.




Taylor Swift.  And she wrote a song about it.  Big surprise.




Ricki Lake.  I’m not even going to honor this relationship with a response.




Jessica Simpson.  He referred to her as “sexual napalm” post-breakup, so at least you know he’s a gentleman.  But then again, that may be all she has going for her.




There are also some respectable names in Mayer’s little black book, including but not limited to Jennifer Aniston (girl-crush), Vanessa Carlton (double girl-crush), and Minka Kelly (ultimate girl-crush). Regardless, quit letting yourself be a statistic.

Dating John Mayer is like getting a star on the Hollywood Walk-of-Fame: every famous person has been there and you arguably don’t need to be human to qualify.

Being married to Russell Brand may have screwed you up, but you’re better than this on-again off-again fling.  Maybe you should go back to the lead singer from Gym Class Heroes.  He was willing to be one nocturnal son of a gun for you.





Unsolicitedly yours,



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School, major and year: A&S, English and communication, 2014

Hometown: Acton, MA, but my parents recently moved to Beacon Hill, which is way cooler.

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