add_theme_support( 'post-thumbnails' );I Know What You Tweeted Last Summer: Kim Kardashian - BANG.

I Know What You Tweeted Last Summer: Kim Kardashian

I told myself I wouldn’t do this. I told myself I would not give a Kardashian (other than Kendall…obviously) the time of day.  But then Kim went and had a baby girl this week and everything changed.

featured kimThere have been reports that her name is is “Kaidence Donda West,” but nothing has been confirmed. My guess is that Kim is either too busy staring at her new “motherly-glow” in the mirror to remember that she has a child, or E! owns the rights to naming the baby and they are going the Lebron James route and dedicating an hour long segment to the decision.

But don’t worry Baby Kardashian-West, I didn’t forget about you. While your mom is hard at work expending what little brain power she has trying gavel3-300x300to think of a name that begins with a “K” and your dad is preoccupied working on  an album promotion with Patrick Bateman, Lord Scott Disick, I am going to help you get acquainted with the woman who just carried you for the past nine months.

So how else do you get to know someone as big of a star as Kim Kardashian on a personal level? You look at the thing that someone as narcissistic as Kim does more than staring at herself in the mirror: her twitter.

I hate to break it to you, unnamed heir to the rhinestone Kardashian throne, but your mother may be more delusional than Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes combined. Then again that takes quite a lot of talent so things are looking bright for you!

cute jewelry and mom

Not sure what is more alarming here: the fact that you and your 57-year-old mother have the same fashion sense or that you think your clothes are “cute.”

treadmill time

And this is why you are compared to a whale. You are probably burning more calories in your thumbs than the rest of your body combined.

whale

 

past

HAHAHAHAHA! That’s a good one, but like, your audition tape for E! was your sex tape…so…

fulfilling destiny

Thank god for your natural sex drive or you wouldn’t be where you are today!

what's right for youAmen Kimmy. Sacrificing your search for true love and 72 days of your life for $18 million might not have made sense to others but you know what they say, “a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”

no regrests just love

Correction: No regrets…just money.

amanda bynes makeover

Yes. However, does this surprise me? No.

                               kim kat          

amanda catfailure and not trying

Or in your case, failure is trying.

Kim-Kardashian-Temptation

Enough of this. In recent news Kim Kardashian tells Ryan Seacrest that motherhood is “so crazy!”

Wait, haven’t you been a mom for like an hour? Like isn’t this the time when nurses still pretty much take care of your child…?

So, Kaidence West? I’d give it about five months until “someone” calls child services on your mother and Grandma Kris “just so happens” to gain custody of you and immediately brings you under her management. But don’t you cry, things will turn around just as soon as Grandma Mommy Kris finds a loophole in California child labor laws and E! can begin to air Kris and Kaidence Take Kompton. 

El-Pelon-Ad81111

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