Dear Kanye West,
Well, you’ve officially failed phase one of parenting. Or, as you would probably choose to phrase it, you’re the best at giving your child the worst name ever.
North West is not a name. It is a direction. You literally named your child one direction.
Did it ever occur to you that you could turn the celebrity world on its head by naming your daughter something normal? Nobody is surprised that you gave her an absurdly “original” name. You want to shock people? Name your next daughter Lauren.
I’ve already reached out to little Nori (okay, you actually do get some points for an adorable nickname) to encourage her not to turn into a komplete krazy person like the rest of her family, but this whole naming disaster has proven that you might be headed down the path of raising a monster.
Because you’re likely to treat every moment of parenthood as a chance to irreversibly bizarre-ify baby NorNor’s life, here are some simple normal-person child rearing decisions that I beg you to make.
1. Diapers: Kim somehow managed to purchase maternity thongs, so I feel the need to ask you not to use your Kimye voodoo to find — or worse, invent — diaper thongs.
2. Religion: I won’t try to dictate what role religion plays in North’s life, but please for the love of all that is holy (pun intended, high five) DO NOT TRY TO CONVINCE HER THAT YOU ARE A GOD. The god complex is unhealthy enough without you passing it along to future generations.
3. Clothing: Babies grow. Clothes do not. Accept Kourtney's hand-me-downs and chill it with the "specially made" baby clothes.
4. TV: There are programs specifically created for children with the aim of helping them with their developmental skills. Since you’re likely to drop the ball in this area, tune into “Sesame Street” and do everything you can to stop her from seeing her mother like this.
5. Communication: As a self-proclaimed terrible listener and a world-renounced fantastic interrupter, try to remember that communication between parents and children is key. If you can’t communicate with your daughter, she’ll end up with the kind of daddy issues that land girls in widely viewed sex tapes or 72-day marriages. Although in North’s case, this will probably be a mommy issue.
But then again, this advice is probably falling on deaf ears. If you had listened to me the first time, we wouldn't be in this mess.
School, major and year: A&S, English and communication, 2014
Hometown: Acton, MA, but my parents recently moved to Beacon Hill, which is way cooler.
What makes the Gavel so BANGin’? Everyone is just the perfect amount of weird. It is one of very few environments in which I don't feel like the weirdest person in the room.
If you could go back in time and give yourself a pep talk the night before you moved into BC as a freshman, what is the most important piece of advice that you would give to your former self? I would offer myself a friendly reminder that everyone comes to college friend-less, and therefore looking for friends. Before coming to BC, I pictured myself eating every meal in solitude because I forgot that I wasn't the only person who would be entering day one without really knowing anybody. That was silly of me.
What is your favorite study spot on campus? Stuart law classrooms.
What is your go-to meal at Late Night? Mozzarella sticks.
What is the #1 most played song on your iTunes? "Gong Li" -- Red Hot Chili Peppers.
What is the best Halloween costume that you have ever worn? I was a Hershey's kiss as a toddler. Aaaaaand I rocked it.
If you could befriend the main characters from any TV show or movie, who would you choose and why? "The Office," because I have always thought that Jim and Pam would appreciate my sense of humor.