"Dexter" Episode 3: What's Eating Dexter Morgan?

"He could be hunting me right now. Or he could be selling fitness equipment at the mall."

This season is a scorcher, and I'm not just saying that because I'm currently suffering an NYC heat wave worthy of the Arabian desert. It's hot because it's been nothing but suspense, marinating brains, and Deb being drugged to stop talking (my personal favorite). As the search for the Brain Surgeon continues, Deb is ceaselessly in the way, Dr. Vogel is there with encouraging words of advice without being in any way actually helpful, and Dexter is forever in the middle of ladies (and cannibals) wanting a piece of him.

Harrison: popsicle slayer 

The episode begins with a mildly terrifying scene of Dexter finding his toddler son, Harrison, covered in blood. Oh wait, JK its popsicles. He may not be a serial killer like his dad (yet), but dayum he murdered doz popsicles. Casual 'sicle binge, clearly he and I are kindred spirits. Yes Dexter, he obviously ate the whole box because he "loves them." Downed that Pepto Bismol shot like a champ too. Harrison is the most underrated character of Dexter by a mile.

Don't worry Harrison, most of my Saturday nights include guilt-ridden popsicle binges by the toilet too.

Don't worry Harrison, most of my Saturday nights include guilt-ridden popsicle binges by the toilet, too. 

Miami PD makes yet another mistake

Oh big shocker, Sussman is not the Brain Surgeon, despite the real Surgeon's attempt to frame him with a 'suicide' courtesy of a shotgun to the face. However, because Miami PD is absolutely garbage minus Dexter, they assume that he is the Surgeon, and close the case. Can't wait until next week when they get yet another victim with his brain sawed in half. Oops. Also, who's the rando new woman present on all the crime scene? Sassy.

His and Hers brain gifts

Text to Vogel from Unknown: "Look outside." Creeeeepy. So suspenseful. In a wise move to protect herself from a serial killer, she grabs a butter knife. Watch out Brain Surgeon, hope you brought your scalpels! The 500 year old woman has a butter knife! While no killer was present, unfortunately, he did leave two PRESENTS. Pretty His and Hers presents. Lingerie? Jewelry? Nah, brain pieces. It's the thought that counts, right?

photo 2

I'm putting this on my Valentine's wish list.

 

Protein powder pusher: cannibal

Another swooning Dexter fan/cannibal.

Another swooning Dexter fan/cannibal.

Is the Brain Surgeon a protein powder pusher who works at the mall? No... but he is a cannibal. I did not mind when Dexter got his muscles measured, nor apparently did this guy.

Seemed like he had the hots for Dexter, but then just turns out he's a cannibal and wants to keep Dexter's intestines in a tupperware next to his microwavable pizzas.

Brain marinating in garlic sauce. Yum.

Brain marinating in garlic sauce. Yum.

 

 

You know it must take a lot for Dexter to be grossed out by something involving the human anatomy, so this fitness mall guy who moonlights as a swoll-cannibal is something to be admired, I guess. Stint of admiration is short though, because then Dexter kills him. Whatever.

 

 

 

Deb is ratchet

So first, Deb gets shwasty and runs over a parking meter. Cue passing out in her car again. When busted by some random street cop, she calls on Quinn to bail her out and then drive her to work. When Quinn suggests a shower, she responds "I keep deodorant in my desk." Definition of her ratchetness. What is this, a Friday 8AM Comm Public Speaking class? No, this is your real-life job, Deb.

Why do so many people even care about her wellbeing? She is not exactly a lovable creature. Once arriving to her office, where apparently another person (Elway) has the hots for her, she's a hungover slob who asks him, "Are done, I need a f*ing nap." In response to the whines of this toddler, Elway gives her some juicy juice.

Then Deb cries a lot and almost spills the beans

This season has really given Deb too much airtime. Yes, apparently she's crucial to the plot line--but only because she sucks and likes making things difficult for Dexter. He has cannibals and whatever to kill, he ain't got time for her alc binges. Speaking of which, in this episode we had to endure what felt like forty minutes of Deb's hideous crying face.

I can't even look at this.

I can't even look at this.

No one is attractive when they cry, but this really took the cake on unattractiveness. So much so that Dexter had to drug her and then handcuff her to her own couch to make her stop.

But you're seriously going to confess not only the fact that you killed LaGuerta, but also everything about Dexter, to Quinn, of all people? Luckily Quinn has fried so many of his brain cells already on God knows what that he just assumed Deb was speaking in metaphor.

Deb would definitely be THAT girl at the party.

Deb would definitely be THAT girl at the party.

I promise to try to lay off the Deb rants, but looking at where this season is headed, I'm not sure I'll be able to control myself.

 

Miscellaneous thoughts:gavel4

- Vogel hates Deb and loves Dex, so we have similar taste. She says that Dexter being nice to his sister is basically like "Michelangelo playing the banjo." Whatever that means. Plus she outright asks Dexter why he hasn't killed Deb yet. Like that's what I'm sayin' gurl.

- Dexter has a phone app called "Friend Zone"? Is this some riff on Facebook? It's weird. Dexter, you're better than that.

Watch Dexter Sundays at 9PM on Showtime. 

Follow me if you feel like it @doingitwells

 

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All photos are screenshots courtesy of Gavel Media.

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