Dear Darling Eagle,
Hi, friend. We need to talk. It’s mid-April, and I think it’s time you looked at your choices. What’s your dorm looking like lately? The only reason I ask is because spring came almost a month ago, and, well, I don’t mean to embarrass you, but I know you have a tendency to procrastinate on everything…and, well, what I’m saying is, I don’t think you’ve done your spring cleaning. Now that it’s getting warm out, and, you know, actually feels like spring, I figured this would be a good time to get you to finally clean out the skeletons from your closet.
I mean that literally. When was the last time you pushed your clothes aside and let that pile of crap behind them see the light? If I know you, and, clearly, I do—the answer to that question is August—on move in day. You don’t like cleaning your dorm. You think it’s tedious; I get it. You think you should be spending your free time either napping or engaging in reasons that justify why you think you need to nap. I understand. But the semester is ending. Believe it or not, we’re down to two weeks left before finals, and then it’s an all out shit show from there on. Plus, clearly you’re going to procrastinate on studying for your exams, so once that panic sets in, you really won’t have time to clean. And let’s face it, you inevitably have to clean your dorm before you pack everything up and go back to wherever home is for you. If you’re like my southern neighbor, that means you’re going to have get an entire year’s worth of things neatly packed and sorted enough to be put on an airplane and shipped.
It’s terrifying, isn’t it? Good. I hope the image of none of your things passing security strikes fear in your heart and leaves you sweating and convulsing—and if you can drive your dorm’s contents home, lucky you. Feel pity for your friends that can’t and similarly feel panic by proxy for them. I know how procrastinators work; I know the cycle of apathy, then alarm, then deceit, and the eventual spur into action that results only after terror. That’s why I’m writing to you now, friends.
It doesn’t have to be like this.
You can break free of your procrastination habits on just this task. If you start cleaning now, you’ll have so much more time for the fun stuff. The Facebook invites are flowing in and ModStock, UGBC events, quad games and the frantic influx of end of the year/last chance-to-hook-up-with-that-kid-you’ve-been-eyeing-for-two-semesters parties are coming: you don’t want to miss out because you’re trapped in a prison of your own filth.
Harsh? I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not. I’ve seen too many comrades fall to FOMO because of this issue, and now I feel personally responsible to liberate you. Get off Facebook—would you rather stalk the party pictures of others, or be in them? Stop 2048-ing or Candy Crushing, or whatever other lame Internet sensation is occupying your life. Fads die, memories from college don’t (I’m not a biology major, give me this one and let it slide).
All it takes is a few hours. Clean your fridge and freezer now; the hotter your room gets, the more disgusting this task will be so spare yourself. Start deciding what clothes you can take back over Easter Break so you have less to juggle in May. All that winter stuff? Ship it or bring it home now. Get it out. Unclutter yourself. Do you need those flyers from the Involvement Fair back in September? No. You procrastinated joining those and now it’s too late. Get rid of old notebooks and books you no longer use and won’t need for the final. We all know you’re going to wait until the last minute and won’t have time to review it all, anyway.
This task is not as daunting as you think it is. You can do this, friend. You can clean your dorm now instead of the night before you move out. I believe in you. The Gavel believes in you. We all believe in you. Now get out there and clean.
With a dose of reality,
Grace “Mrs. Clean” Fucci