37 Ways to Protect Yourself from the Kirkwood Tickler

1. Don’t sleep. Ever again.

2. Learn to sleep standing up.

3. Buy steel bottomed socks (Sold exclusively at The Limited Too – aka Justice).

Photo courtesy of Sean/ Flickr

4. Sleep with knives between your toes.

5. Sleep in Timbs and/or Bean Boots. It’s summer, so Hunter boots may be preferable.

6. Cut off your feet.

7. Hot glue the bottoms of you feet so that when the Tickler comes for you he’ll be stuck caught in the act. (You may die of Tickle Fever from prolonged exposure, but you’ll die a hero.)

8. RUN

9. HIDE

10. ^Don’t though, because he will find you. And he will tickle you.

11. Develop a very particular set of skills, skills you have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make you a nightmare for people like the Tickler.

12. Hire the kid from Home Alone to booby trap the boom snap clap out of your house.

13. Two words: guard fish.

14. Learn to like the tickle. Winky face.

15. Use a mannequin as a decoy in your bed while you sleep somewhere much more comfortable, like under the mattress or in the closet.

16. Become nocturnal.

17. 9 out of 10 doctors recommend a thick cement coating that will leave your feet impervious to tickle.

18. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend the same, along with Oral-B.

19. Line your floors with bubble wrap. Probably the ceiling too, just to be safe.

20. Join the Jesuit order. You know the Tickler won’t mess with the feet of Jesus.

21. Put a life-sized cutout of Father Leahy in front of your bedroom door.

22. Eat copious amounts of beans and chili before bed. (Caution: please warn all roommates before choosing this option).

23. Sleep backwards, with your head at the foot of the bed. Got ‘em.

24. Post a livestream video of yourself sleeping on the Internet so everyone will see the Tickler coming.

25. Hire Jack Bauer as your personal 24-7 bodyguard.

26. Lock your door. (Kidding, that’d be silly).

Photo courtesy of April Killingsworth/ Flickr

Photo courtesy of April Killingsworth/ Flickr

27. Take up sleep dancing. The Tickler never had a chance.

28. Leave cookies and milk by the fireplace. And probably a few carrots.

29. ^Sorry, I think I got confused there.

30. Put a “Caution: Wet Paint” sign on your bedroom door.

31. Silly Tickler, it was dry paint all along.

32. Switch beds with your roommate. Poor Tickler, outsmarted again.

33. Move to Greycliff. Even the Tickler won’t visit you there.

34. Yell “Tickler no tickling!” repeatedly. For this, you should probably be wearing a purple backpack.

35. If you’re a swimmer, swim fins make an effective defense when worn with goggles. Apply sunscreen as necessary.

36. Punch a hole in the ceiling tile. That seems to be the answer for everything. (If you don’t have ceiling tiles off campus, you can find some ripe ones in Walsh).

37. Banana peel outside your door. Game over.

 

While most of these techniques are extremely reasonable and effective, they are only temporary solutions to a much larger problem. Legend has it that if anyone ever tickles the Tickler’s feet, he will retire peacefully and never stroke an unwitting sole ever again. I personally failed to get word from Father Leahy that whoever catches the Tickler will get a permanently temporary statue alongside the mods, as well as free late night for a lifetime, but I’m sure we can work out the details. You know what must be done.

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