Welcome to Tinder Sports! The fastest, cheapest way to build a true contender at 2 a.m. . . . if only to wake up next to an 0-11 record. Swipe right and pick the coach of your wildest dreams! Looking for that Ryan Gosling look-a-like from Texas? No problem: Kliff Kingsbury is hot and ready to go. Into someone a little round about the waist? Want new gear sponsored exclusively by Casual Male XL? Have no fear—Charlie Weis here to save the day. Hey, if it landed Lane Kiffin at USC, why not use it to take out some trash here on the Heights?
We at The Gavel see one man’s trash as another man’s treasure. That said, we searched long-and-far, scouring the entire 617, recycling our own lost talent to other universities, one failed program at a time. People ask, why help out the competition? Why level the playing field? Well, after all, “Men and women for others,” right?
Two of our hottest singles might sound familiar:
Loner Number One:
55-year-old Italian man seeking employment: Will coach special teams if needed. Currently residing in Hingham, MA. Graduated from Penn State. Coaching experience ranges from the Canadian Football League to Boston College. Occasionally refer to myself as the Italian Stallion. My expertize includes defense, a ferocious mustache game, that one time I beat Navy in a bowl game nobody pronounces correctly, defense, and tanking. Wait, did I mention defense! I gave the Fight Hunger Bowl a whole new meaning in 2011, proceeding to starve a once-storied Boston College football program for the following two years.
Somehow, I won four whole games while coaching a future NFL Defensive Player of the Year. I lack the ability to operate Microsoft Word, Excel, or PowerPoint. Virtually all communication devices scare me more than a team outside of the FCS. As a matter of fact, nobody remembers the last time I spoke—the media stopped caring the moment I lost to Army in 2012.
Currently, I am desperate enough to lace up the old cleats and play linebacker again. My references include the late Joe Paterno. No, not about how well I played—don’t be silly! For for any Italian Athletic Directors out there, Joe Pa just happened to drop this little gem when I played linebacker and quarterback for him in the 1960s: “Don’t get the idea that I like him because he’s Italian. I like him because I’m Italian.” Thanks to that Italian blood, I know how to make one zesty pizza… but it always ends up burnt. You see, I have no concept of clock
management, resorting to a fetal position whenever forced to perform under two minutes. My last held position existed as Boston College's head football coach; later catfished worse than Manti Te'o by Rutgers. I guess you really can't trust defensive coordinator vacancies these days. Oh well.
Swipe right for none other than...
Frank Spaziani: 2009-2012 Boston College Football Coach
Overall Record: 22-29
Bowl Record: 0-2
Loner Number Two:
52-year-old man with no use for the gridiron: Ball is life-- plain and simple. I live, eat, sleep basketball. To quote the intricate, lyrical styling of Birdman, “Ball till ya fall…” and boy-oh-boy did I fall. Unemployed since Spring 2014, I needed to earn some sort of cash, off to the side of course. So, why not broadcast irrelevant A10 Conference basketball games? My highlights show off pure intangibles: my ability to stare into blank space and speak like a child with bronchitis. I just need one shot, I swear! ACC Basketball misses me. No, they need me! Just you watch. The tape don’t lie:
In the old days, I never needed this fancy Tinder App. Athletic Directors flocked to me, lining up all the way to Ithaca, New York. Back in my prime, I resurrected the Cornell Men’s Basketball team back to relevancy for an entire decade until leaving for Boston College in 2010. Cut me some slack: I coached a team full of mathletes and engineering majors to the Sweet Sixteen. My Cornell team had a better shot at prosecuting John Calipari for his future recruiting sanctions than making it to that year’s March Madness.
Seeking to return to Ivy League action… well any action really. It gets lonely up here in the booth. Now, welcome back to UMass vs. Davidson!
Swipe right for none other than...
Steve Donahue: 2010-2014 Boston College Men’s Basketball Coach
Overall Record: 54-76
NCAA Tournament Appearances: 0
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