Love Lessons from the Ladies of The Bachelor

If there is one undisputed, unfailing and guaranteed means of finding love, it’s by being on a reality television show. There is no better way to express complex, deep emotions than by revealing them to millions of viewers, and we all know true love is all about competition (preferably one aired every Sunday for 2 hours). So here’s a little dating advice from the lovely ladies of The Bachelor, just in time for everyone’s favorite holiday—Valentine’s Day!

  1. Pit yourself against other women.

Who doesn’t like a little healthy competition? Ensure you are in a perpetual dogfight with almost 20 other girls for your crush’s attention. That way the object of your affection can easily get to know the most authentic parts of you, and you two can begin to form a very genuine and happy relationship. In addition, don’t worry if you end up falling out with your closest friends over this guy—he’s clearly worth it.

  1. Force your feelings.

If at first you don’t succeed, just try and try again. Or delude yourself; really either one should work. So what if you aren’t sure you actually love, or even have some semblance of feelings for, this supposed object of your affection? Try making out some more, or maybe you could try putting on an exorbitantly expensive evening gown. That should remedy the situation.

  1. Use tragedy to garner to affection.

By all means, don’t hesitate to inform the apple of your eye of your deepest, darkest secrets very early on in your relationship. He need only know your first name (last name is optional) for you to spill the gut-wrenching tale of how your dog’s untimely death irrevocably changed your outlook on love. Bonus: play melancholy music with sad tones softly in the background to set the mood and really get those tears flowing.

  1. Tears are your most powerful tool.

He doesn’t think you two “share the same values?” Cry. Melissa took your bronzer again without asking? Cry. You feel “betrayed” by seeing him kiss another woman (which you contractually agreed to)? Cry. You do you girl, cry it out—because, you know when those tears start flowing, no man can resist you!

  1. Laugh! Be bubbly! Be “totally down for whatever!”
Image Courtesy of Tumblr

Image Courtesy of Tumblr

No guy likes a downer, am I right ladies? Make sure to laugh at all of his jokes, especially the ones that aren’t even remotely funny. It’s best if he doesn’t glimpse you without a shiny wide grin—unless you’re crying, in which case, refer to #4. Don’t let him view you as anything other than the ray of sunshine you know he wants, and he’ll be sure to bask in your effervescent, all-natural glow.

  1. Look naturally perfect.

This is an important one—I recommend you sleep with your makeup on, since it’s best never to be caught off guard. It’s absolutely essential that you look as if you do not have flaws. Men don’t put a ring on flaws.

  1. Base your validation on a man’s approval.

My final tip is the big one, gals. Forget self-confidence, security, and independence—throw yourself wholeheartedly into a relationship that’s highly unlikely to go anywhere, and hope it does anyway! Derive your sense of worth from this one man, because his opinion of you is most assuredly the only one that matters. Desperately chase his love, because you know you can’t survive on your own without a man. He is your only hope at happiness, so act like it.

So that’s about all you need to know to land yourself that lucky man. If you follow these fool-proof steps you’ll be wifed up by your prince charming in no time. If you remember one thing for your future relationships, it’s this: never be afraid to put it all out there (on national television, that is).

 

 

Aspiring future Leslie Knope and queen of carb consumption. Most likely rereading Harry Potter (again).

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