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How to Prepare for the Return of House of Cards

On February 27th our long, national nightmare will be over as the third season of House of Cards will finally be released on Netflix. Because of this momentous occasion, we at The Gavel have decided to compile a list of ways that will make your 13-hour binge-fest even more enjoyable. Disclaimer: major spoilers ahead. Seriously. Don’t read unless you want basically the entire show spoiled for you. Without further ado…

Build a Netflix Fort

Basically surround yourself with blankets, pillows and foods that make you hate yourself. Some people have responsibilities in their everyday lives; you don’t want to be one of those people. Use the fort to block out the sun, other people, your responsibilities and other scary things that could hinder your enjoyment of not moving for 13 hours.

Read Machiavelli’s The Prince

Photo Courtesy of Tumblr

Photo Courtesy of Tumblr

Our boy Frank Underwood is basically Machiavelli but with a cooler wife. There’s even a quiz you can take to see if you can tell the difference between quotes from President Underwood and Machiavelli. If you think books are for nerds, feel free to skip this one and just take our word for it.

Read Recaps of Previous Episodes

That can be done here and here. If you forgot minor details such as the fact that Frank had a threesome with his wife and his Secret Service agent or that he straight up murdered two people, this is the place to go.

Tell Your Mom You Love Her

She might get worried when she comes in and sees your glazed-over eyes around the five-hour mark. Are you dead? Did you forget to breathe? Kindly remind her that your Netflix fort doesn’t keep out her hurtful judgments.

Join Your Local Middle School’s Model UN and Crush Them Like the Twigs They Are

That’s a power move that Frankie Woods would be proud of. What better way to get in the mood for new episodes than treating people like your own personal doormats? You know that Frank would become World Monarch and kill four people within 10 minutes of joining. You can too!

Push an Aspiring Journalist in Front of an Oncoming Subway Train

Photo Courtesy of House of Cards / Facebook

Photo Courtesy of House of Cards / Facebook

Just kidding. Please don’t do this. On an unrelated note, the staff of The Gavel will be avoiding subway platforms for the foreseeable future.

Pour One Out for Freddy and Consider the Fleeting Nature of Friendships

Remember when his idiot son basically screwed up everything good in poor Freddy’s life? Remember when Frank lost the only friend he ever thought he had? Recall Freddy’s face when he was forced to sell everything and ponder why bad things happen to good people. Then eat some ribs...the sauce will mask the tears.

Space Out the Episodes

Just kidding, that would be absurd. Thank our Jesuit overlords that our spring break intersects with the release of House of Cards and binge your catatonic heart out.

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Sarcasm and California enthusiast. Snowpocalypse survivor/trademarker. One time cartwheel-doer.