It’s April. That means NBA hopefuls are deciding whether to forgo their remaining collegiate years, NFL prospects are visiting with teams to try and make an impression before the draft at the end of the month, MLB rookies are getting their first looks at what the regular season is like, and college recruits are breathing a sigh of relief now that singing day is behind them. Because April is so draft heavy, it is only fitting that The Gavel does its semi-annual Boston College Draft at this time of the year as well. While this list will inevitably miss some phenomenal aspects of what BC has to offer, The Gavel is confident that the following draft class will remain strong for years to come.
(1) Father William P. Leahy, S.J.
Leahy has deep pockets, an off-campus house, and access to the elusive presidential golf cart. He does not respond to threats, and his contract is predicted to be worth an estimated $1.6 billion (with an additional signing bonus funded by the 3.4% hike in tuition & fees for the 2015-2016 school year). Needless to say, this Jesuit is the big man on campus. Notoriously fond of wearing all black for purposes of intimidation, expect to continue never actually seeing the most talked about man in Boston.
(2) O’Neill Fifth Floor Bathrooms
Spacious and private, no student can deny that they feel most at home in these dimly lit caves. Be it the long line of mirrors for girls to check themselves out in, or the exceptional amount of stalls which ensure that no one calls you out for passing the time playing Candy Crush to avoid your homework, fifth floor bathrooms have it all. Comparing them to the cramped fourth floor restrooms is like comparing Party in the U.S.A. Miley to Bald Britney. If you are willing to make the trek upstairs, you will be wonderfully rewarded.
(3) Late Night
Few things are more coveted at Boston College than the deep fried delicacies dished out to curiously hungry students during the early morning hours of the weekend. In addition to mozzarella sticks and chicken tenders, one is provided the ideal atmosphere for regrouping with lost friends, overhearing stories of uber-cool freshmen who tricked some doorman into letting them enter his mod, and avoiding certain members of the opposite gender for reasons we shall not here name. Other benefits of this sanctuary include: good conversation with the servers, free food from friends who are incapable of finishing their own meals, and laying witness to the occasional spill taken by the motor-inhibited girl in heels.
(4...) The CoRo Trifecta: Roncalli, Williams and Welch
Perhaps the most undervalued asset in this draft, few have witnessed the benefits of this mysterious hill upon a hill. Home to the most luxurious doubles, triples and quads on campus, Boston College’s best-kept secret has innumerable benefits. It offers its own outdoor space (for all five days that it is nice out during the school year); it is close to the McElroy Commons, easily the most coveted dining hall on campus due to its hip social scene and cute pet mice; you are nearly two minutes closer to the most widely used academic buildings on campus; and, to round out the list, there is minimal discipline because it is nearly impossible to throw parties unless you make use of the large communal bathroom space.
(5) The New England Classic (and its side pickle)
Easily the most popular cheese-related product on campus, Boston College would be nothing without the fuel behind its fire, the apple of its eye, and the only reason to say that lunch was “classic” (think Kristen Wiig and Justin Timberlake in the SNL Target skit). Served on whatever bread is cheapest at market, filled with fruits that are genetically preserved, never cooked to perfection, and lacking the supposed honey mustard that the menu claims it includes, this sandwich curiously remains a staple of Boston College. What’s more, it always comes with the benefit of a pickle that you never ask. Can you say double whammy?
(6) Steve Addazio
He’s a dude.
(7) CSOM Students
They make the list because we all need someone around who makes us feel a bit less stuck up and pretentious. Plus, they are great for mooching off of because they think that everyone judges them if they don’t have any money.
A&S Peasant - "Hey, can you cover me on this slice of Chipotle heaven?"
CSOM Elite - “Sure, I just made a few thousand dollars by diversifying my stock portfolio and leveraging my assets against the market. Plus, I know I’ll be making tons more than you at my highly coveted Wall Street internship this summer. I mean, let’s be real, my shirt costs more than this whole establishment.”
(8) The Chocolate Bar
It’s good for people watching.
(9) Campus Elevators
We all use them, and yet, everyone mysteriously remains exceptionally fit and good looking. As long as you don’t end up in an elevator with someone traveling one floor, and if you can avoid the furthest shaft in the garage (which always has a distinct hint of urine), then it is never a bad day to bypass the “million step stairs.”
(10) Gasson Bell Tower
This is beloved among students for bolstering Instagram profiles.
(11) Devlin 008 / McGuinn 100
Two of the largest lecture halls on campus, these rooms are the perfect sanctuaries for attendance defectors and online shoppers. Noting the cavernous dimensions and innumerable blind spots, one can only imagine what else has occurred among the countless rows of disinterested students.
- The Heights
- Edmond's Hall
- Those first few weeks back from summer when every room on campus is fifteen degrees too warm...
- The Plex
- The Cultural Diversity Requirement
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