add_theme_support( 'post-thumbnails' );The Weekly Diatribe: V8 - BANG.
Tori Fisher / Gavel Media

The Weekly Diatribe: V8

As we all know, real life often isn’t enough fun. The banality of living off-screen is so unbearable that many feel the need for some sort of virtual world in which to live—luckily, we have been given the gift of Pokémon Go.

Having departed from the time of Game Boy Color and Super Nintendo, Pokémon’s arrival into the life of the average iPhone-toting American has been met with many mixed emotions.

“Wait, you won’t use my name, right? I don’t want anyone to know I play it!” —Anonymous, LSOE ’18

“What the heck is a Charizard?” —Most dads

“What have I done?” —Anyone who has downloaded the game

I recently bet someone the entirety of my next paycheck that I wouldn’t download the new Niantic game in the next week, so I haven’t yet given in to the fad. I’m glad I have such a strong incentive not to start playing Pokémon Go, as everyone around me is becoming absolutely hooked. One of my friends woke up in the middle of the night screaming because he thought a Mewtwo was standing at the foot of his bed. Scary stuff.

Seeing the game become explosively popular in the days since its July 6 release, I took to incessantly making fun of whomever talked about the game or played it in my presence (so, everyone). Now, however, I’ve heard so much about it, and having snuck a few peaks at friends’ screens, I can’t help but wonder ... could I, in fact, catch them all? Could there be a Squirtle hiding under my bed? Is that a Jigglypuff I hear in the backseat of my car as I drive home late at night? Starting to sound creepy, huh?

I tried to voice my concerns to one of my friends, who has been playing nonstop, but the only thing he got out of the conversation was to correct my improper pluralization of Pokémon. He informed me that when I say "Pokémons," I sounded like a total nerd.

And so I still wonder … My biggest question is: what do you do with a Pokémon once you catch it? Just keep it trapped in a small white and red ball? That seems cruel. Also, the Pokéballs seem smaller than the creatures, so how does that work? So many unanswered questions float around my mind; I may resort to trying out the game on someone else’s phone—The bet was I wouldn’t download it, not that I wouldn’t play it.

Feel free to call me "z," lowercase. I personally identify as an Italian- American Golden Retriever, and I plan on starting a christmas tree farm in my backyard in the very near future.