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Tori Fisher / Gavel Media

Diatribe: What I Learned at Boston College

The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

After nearly finishing my first year here at Boston College, I have finally figured out all the hidden secrets that our school has to offer.

Conservation: Have we ever actually used our recycling bins? Of course not, this is BC. But I would like to see someone from another school stretch $100 dollars of meal plan money the entire last month of the semester (meal swipes are for the weak) or figure out how to conserve the single handle of Rubi you got from some upperclassman for three whole weekends.

Service: Community work? Sure, if our applications are accepted. But even more important is knowing exactly where on campus Eduroam will actually work, and where a laptop might as well be a stone tablet. Now that’s service.

Athletics: Between pretending to go to the Plex, so people see you there, and tackling the seemingly endless stairs on campus, I also stood outside all day and watched other people run a marathon. So, yeah, you could say I’m a bit of a student athlete.

Sportsmanship: They say that the most important thing when winning is to be courteous and act like a good sport. I’m sure that’s true, but we wouldn’t know. BC sportsmanship involves blacking out every time BC loses, and aggressively storming the court on the off chance we actually beat someone, regardless of how important the game was.

Acting: Are you stressed because you have three exams this week, 56 club meetings, and also a job interview? Probably, but you cannot actually admit this. Everyone at BC is effortlessly perfect, so you learn to pretend you are as well. Oscars for everyone.

Door Holding: Knowing just the right distance that is appropriate to hold the door for the person walking behind you is BC 101. It’s the difference between being a creep and being rude.

Geography: Boston College, despite how it may sound, is not actually in Boston. It’s in Chestnut Hill. So if you get lost trying to visit, don’t worry too much.

Fact-Checking: Boston College, despite the name, is not actually a college. It’s a university. Good job on naming that one.

Languages: With a surprising blend of Southern, Mid-West, and New England accents, there’s a bit of a steep learning curve. Don’t worry, you’ll be fluent soon enough.

Research: How much fried food can a person eat and still survive? At BC Late Night, it’s a daily research project.

Time Management: If there’s one thing you learn at Boston College, it’s time management. How else could we get out of a Thursday 5 o’clock class, make it back to our rooms to be drunk enough to actually enjoy B.o.B., and get to Modstock right on time?

So thanks BC, it sure was one hell of a year.

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