The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.
It was our hot girl summer, and there was a clear winner for our cold drink of choice. There were no laws because there are no, absolutely zero (really only about 100 or so) calories in our Claws. We were as slim as our spiked seltzer cans and drunker than ever. Only this time, we actually liked the taste of what we were putting in our bodies because you know what White Claws taste like? That’s right. Nothing. Just one sip and you’ll realize it doesn’t even taste like anything.
And to make things worse, right when fall was only a month away, the idea of a pumpkin spice flavor came out. I—your average female college student who is as white as, if not more so, than both the black cherry White Claws I am usually holding—considered this a stroke of genius. So what happened? Where did it all go wrong?
Well, when everyone knows about a good thing, that good thing goes away. It’s simple really, using some easy economics. There was a shortage in the spiked seltzer market. The quantity of White Claws demanded was greater than the quantity of White Claws supplied at the market price—$1.25 per can in a Target variety pack. Or perhaps what we’re facing is a scarcity. There is a pretty large gap between our limited spiked seltzer resources and my infinite want for White Claws.
So now, we are all left wondering: when will this drought start and how long will it last? And how did they let this happen? Sales might have gone up 250% from the previous year, but they still should have seen this coming. Who I really blame for this tragedy—more than any CEO—are all the high school children who never knew a time before White Claws. The absolute lack of any aesthetic the White Claw can presents is precisely the aesthetic every ironically-unironic rich white high schooler in the country is going for. Imagine growing up only knowing the sweet, non-present taste of White Claws. As far as they’re concerned, White Claws really are just Juul water. I hope they’re happy. Their generation ruined this for the rest of us.
I, for one, am not going back to the basement dark ages, where the choice was between Natty Light and Franzia. I suppose I could learn to love the taste of Trulys. Has anyone ever actually tried a BON & VIV? Whatever I turn to, I do wish the world would stop trying to force Anheuser-Busch seltzers down my throat. Never mind that I actually enjoy White Claws unironically. Before frat boys and high schoolers decided they loved them, I loved White Claws.
I guess my only choice now is to enjoy this precious time before the shortage hits. And by enjoy, I mean cleaning out my mini-fridge so I can hoard all flavors that White Claw offers. I’ll be buying variety packs by the dozen, hunting down mango, and stocking up on everyone’s favorite flavor: Pure.