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Katherine McCabe / Gavel Media

Diatribe: Spring Break is TOTALLY Fun!

The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

Spring break is fun. It’s a concept well represented in decades of scientific literature including case studies, double-blind placebo-controlled trials, large random samples, and quantum computed simulations. Spring break is going to be fun. This year more than ever, it is clear that spring break will be fun. Hundreds of people have confirmed this. Your older sister, your older sister's friends, your mom, your mom’s friends, your dad, the guys your dad plays softball with, your orthodontist, the nurse at urgent care, and even your grandma’s boyfriend. It’s pretty clear that spring break this year is going to be fun. Additionally, spring break has to be fun. We missed spring break last year! It just didn’t happen. I didn’t think they could take that away from us, but it is now abundantly clear that they can and will and did. 

Spring break is fun. Someone should tell your roommates about this. They need to stop bickering about this or that hotel, or whose parents are pissed about the room getting busted last weekend, or whether or not to fly Spirit (don’t), and remember that, statistically speaking, spring break is fun. Spring break is going to be fun. You worked hard all year for the chance to develop stress pimples over where everyone is going, and who wants to have you, and if you’re bothering that friend you’re kind of close to by inviting yourself to Miami, and you’re going to throw it all away and just go home? Don’t forget: Spring break has to be fun. Because it literally didn’t happen last year. I can’t stress that enough: they just took it away. They can do that. 

The fact that spring break is going to be fun puts me in a box. I wish I had a say. Do I want to be pigeonholed into having a great time at an exotic island getaway with six to ten fun-loving college students and not a care in the world? Would I prefer to entertain intrusive existential thoughts in the midst of the cold and unrelenting Boston winter? Could I use a week spent watching HGTV and the Food Network with my mom? What about the multitude of quizzes and exams waiting for me the week we get back? Everybody should be allowed to do whatever makes them comfortable this spring break. But there’s really no time for any of that, because on spring break, we will be too busy having fun.

Spring break is fun. I just saw a Pew Research Center poll that said your friends are all having fun on spring break. Spring break is going to be fun. Apparently, there are hormones in your brain that activate when you’re having fun, and those same hormones activate on spring break. Vox just released an explainer about it. Spring break has to be fun. Right now, Tucker Carlson is ranting about how much fun you’re going to have on spring break, and how that’s a threat to the institution of marriage in America. I’m telling you. Don’t even worry about it. The science is in: spring break is fun. 

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