Kelly Yu / Gavel Media

Diatribe: Girl Scout Troop Admitted to CSOM

The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

BREAKING NEWS: The Carroll School of Management at Boston College has released its acceptances for the class of 2035, nine years in advance. Extended to these applicants were some of the most enticing commitment packages, with CSOM vying for their attention and eventual enrollment in their program. This newest class is made up of the entrepreneurs who call themselves Girl Scouts, their business-oriented marvelous minds being put on display in their staking out of McElroy during peak rush times. 

The array of purple, green, yellow, blue, and red rectangular boxes attracts students after exiting Higgins 300, many of whom are heard saying “man, I totally bombed that test,” knowing they scored a 95 but craving affirmation from someone near them. As the sea of golden goose shoes shuffles toward the double doors of Mac, the Girl Scouts take their battle positions—eyes narrowing, wide stances, cute smiles plastered on their faces. Their strategy was fool-proof, masterful, and downright genius. Their large poster board, with cutely misspelled words, colorful doodles, and bright lettering, dangled from their systematic setup. Eyes were drawn to the girls, eliciting an ‘awww’ from college students who typically refuse to give their RBF a rest. The mob slowed and gathered around the cookie box-filled table as the Girl Scouts shifted their cute smiles to evil smirks and prepared for attack. 

“I swear I heard one of them whisper 'success' as she whipped out her phone with a Venmo QR code,” said one solemn victim of the Girl Scout cookie sales. 

“I just felt like their eyes were hypnotizing me. They were just SO CUTE and I couldn’t say no as I transferred all of my Venmo balance to them,” cried another victim.

Reporters on the frontlines stated that the sales simply would not stop— every student that passed by seemed compelled to make a pitstop and empty their wallets. They watched as the moms exchanged a wink and a high-five, knowing they had just secured the luxury vacation that is given to the winning troop each year.

It is no coincidence that the Girl Scouts appeared on the ground floor of the most popular lunch spot amid the whirlwind of midterms and the final stretch before spring break. According to top news outlets, photos were leaked regarding their intricate planning, detailed notes on the most vulnerable members of the student body, and annotated maps of campus. Reports say that these children had been analyzing student flow for the past seven months, calculating the most statistically significant moment to maximize their monetary influx. They infiltrated the campus, studied the student body, and attended Portico and Econ stats classes, all in order to emerge victorious over college students.

The students of Boston College have yet to recover from their losses to the Girl Scouts of McElroy Commons. There is a fearful aura that fills the room whenever someone brings up the cookie sale nightmare of 2022, anxiety coursing through the veins of those who fell victim to the trap. Even Brad, who has been attempting to secure a Goldman Sachs internship despite having to ask his mom what a cover letter is, has acknowledged that the Girl Scouts were simply too strong for his massive business-oriented brain.

“It just makes no sense, man. CSOM chose me. Picked me. Now I get outsmarted by some Girl Scouts and they make more money in two hours than I have since I began investing in stocks 43 minutes ago!” lamented Brad.

“I just can’t believe my hard-earned cash from last week’s allowance is now in the hands of these Girl Scouts. It just ain’t fair,” said Brad as he pouted on his way to pump some iron at the Plex.

It is evident that the student body was not prepared for the skillful attack of the Girl Scouts this time around. Students lost money left and right, enabling their pyramid scheme and funding the addition of new patches to their sash. Despite the hard hit that students took at the hands of these 10-year-olds, Boston College saw the opportunity and decided to seize the day by extending a warm welcome to the newest admissions to their esteemed Carroll School of Management.

Bleachers music enthusiast and hammocking fanatic. Hoping to make the world a better place through oxford commas, feminism, and bagels.