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Arthur Christory / Gavel Media

Hokey Horoscopes: April Edition

Happy April BC! As spring returns to campus once again, we at The Gavel wanted to give our advice and predictions to help you, our readers, navigate the tumultuous month ahead. Please keep in mind that none of us are actual astrologers, so heed what we write with a healthy dose of skepticism (unless of course, you are a Gemini). 

Aries: It’s okay to stay in for one night, no one will think less of you for it. Also, “the vibes were off” is not a good reason to skip class. Commit to your academics this month, and you will thank yourself (and also get your parents off your back).

Taurus: You’ve had a rough couple of weeks, but coffee and water are not the same. Put down the Starbucks and clean out the reusable water bottle you’ve been neglecting. On another note, it’s okay if you get less than an A on one assignment this April. 

Gemini: We know you saw that last text from them; stop pretending you’re busy and respond. They’re a Virgo and waiting makes them anxious. Also, RedBull is not a meal, have some real food and commit to having at least one positive social interaction this week. 

Cancer: It’s okay if you’re not over your ex, but stop pretending that you are. Your sharp-eyed Scorpio friend sees right through the ruse you’ve created. Focus on yourself this month and see the world of difference it makes. 

Leo: You live for the drama, but this April it’s going to come back to get you. Also, you’re thinking about joining CAB; this is a bad idea. One of your worst. Listen to your Taurus friend when they give you advice; we know you don’t like to be told what to do, but they know what they’re talking about. 

Virgo: You’ve had three “self-care” days in a row; it’s time to get some work done. Also, it’s funny that your idea of “self-care” involves laying in bed and binging the new season of Bridgerton while ignoring the texts from your group project leader. 

Libra: You’re not in love with him. He didn’t vote because “both options were equally bad”. It’s time to move on. Channel your former-gifted-kid need to overachieve in your dating life this month. 

Scorpio: We’re sensing that it’s time to make a move on the cute co-worker you’re always telling your friends about; they’re getting tired of hearing about them. There’s a cancer that’s thinking about you today as well. 

Sagittarius: Things are looking up! Maybe you were told to have a “rat-tastic” day by that one guy at the Rat or you got the last open squat rack at the Plex. Either way, take a moment to thank yourself for getting through the last couple of weeks, and know that it’s getting easier from here on out!

Capricorn: You got snubbed by BC ResLife this housing season, but we’re sensing a stroke of good luck in your future. Keep in mind that it may be something as small as getting the last muffin in the Rat, or finding out someone you hate somehow got housing even worse than you. 

Aquarius: You’re constantly having a mental breakdown, but you look good doing it. Take a self-care day and prioritize yourself. Your responsibilities can wait. This is not a lesson your Leo friend needs to learn. 

Pisces: You’re going to find love this April. A dog. You’re going to meet a really cool dog and the two of you will fall in love. In addition, you’re going to have a top-5 Herrd post this month; your humor is your strength. 

Contributions to this piece were made by Kaitlyn O’Connor and Catherine Gagulashvili

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