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Kelly Yu / Gavel Media

Diatribe: The Gavel's Guide To MarMon Fits

The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

Dear reader,

I propose an all too familiar scenario for this time of year:

“Hey! How are you? Yeah I’m good… sorry this is kinda awkward. Um geez I didn’t expect this to be so hard to bring up. If you don’t mind me asking, and like no worries if you don’t have any ideas but... do you know what you’re wearing on Marathon Monday? I just have no ideas and I’m kinda freaking out. You don’t?! Okay PHEW. Yeah I have no idea either! Like what do people even wear?” END SCENE.

Feel familiar? Yeah, I thought so. Just know, what you’re feeling right now is valid and totally okay. What even IS MarMon? A worldwide holiday? Just a typical marathon? A day of rest and relaxation. I think it's a unique blend of those. Mixed with that feeling the morning you’re going on vacation as a kid and you’ve never woken up so exhausted yet so excited at the same time. Yes, that's the occasion we’re dressing for. Take a deep breath, MarMon outfits are important! But fret no more because thankfully you’ve stumbled upon the Gavel’s cohesive guide as to what YOU should wear on Marathon Monday. 

If you wear something other than what is stated on this list, prepare to be embarrassed and harassed on Marathon Monday because these are the only viable options for cool and hot people. Thus, here is our comprehensive list of MarMon outfits: A group idea, most participants in gorilla costumes chasing one lucky member dressed in a banana costume. Jesuits. Tom Mogan. Babies, ft. binkies and diapers. Dr. Doug. Marathon runners (this particular MarMon outfit is both funny and practical as it makes crossing Comm ave. a walk in the park). Sexy pilgrims, how very Boston!! 70’s disco. Jason Derulo himself (btw are we collectively ditching that concert?). Juicy tracksuits. Just nothing at all? Okay I’m getting ahead of myself now. Ski-suits. Astronauts and aliens. Your dad. MY dad. Monica Lewinski. Your 5th grade crush (great conversation starter). Power rangers. The Backyardigans. And last but certainly not least, our fabulous Gavel merch!

Flashforward, It's 6AM on April 18th:

“You should definitely wear jeans and a cute top. I might bust out the leather pants? Corsets are still in right? I don’t want my golden gooses to get piss on them when I nature-pee so I’ll probably not wear those. Unless that's a serve. Are piss-stained golden gooses a serve? Okay yeah. It’ll be a game-time decision. I’ll be needing pockets, so that should probably factor somewhat into my decision. Screw it, I’m wearing my Doug Flutie jersey. FINE, pass me the clown shoes.” END SCENE.

Just the thought of that morning brings a tear to my eye. See? You’ll be okay. You’ll find a Marathon Monday outfit and you’ll feel great in it! Then you’ll undoubtedly step foot on Foster and see someone in a cooler outfit than you that you totally should’ve thought of. And then you’ll draft your silly, shameful, little Instagram post that isn’t nearly as funny or cool as the others. You’ll debate not posting at all. Honestly you’re past all of that social media stuff. YOU live in the moment unlike everyone else. Debate deleting Instagram altogether, along with all other social media you use. You’ll take a res walk during which the water looks like a great new home for your phone. You’ll scroll through your camera roll and hate it, and all of your friends who went along with your stupid naiive idea. And then you’ll hit post, and all of a sudden, you’re free. No one cares about what you wear on Marathon Monday more than they care about what they’re wearing on Marathon Monday. So don’t fret. You’ll wear a marathon outfit, and you’ll probably hate it and resent reading this article. It's okay, you can hate me. Go ahead and project those feelings. But know that it genuinely doesn’t matter at all.