add_theme_support( 'post-thumbnails' );Diatribe: Scooter Ban... Lookout, The Football Team Is Actually Walking - BANG.
Katherine McCabe / Gavel Media

Diatribe: Scooter Ban... Lookout, The Football Team Is Actually Walking

The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

It seems that after a season of devastating losses and mediocre wins, one particular subset of the Eagles football fanbase is taking matters into their own hands. Is it the senior class, desperate for one last bowl game and a stunning win against Clemson this weekend? No, they seem to have succumbed to their fate. Is it a group of wealthy alums threatening to withdraw donations until the team steps it up? No; if that were the case, BC would have been without funding for years. Instead, a new force has stepped out of the dark, determined to ensure that the team is in the best possible physical shape come next week. But who, you must be asking, has that much power over the team? Who can lay down the law and hold the football team accountable? None other than “the law” itself, the mighty Boston College Police Department. 

A tremor shook through the Heights at 10:52 am on October 3rd, as BCPD’s Chief of Police William Evans pressed “Send” on an email that would forever alter the future of BC Athletics. The subject: “University Motorized Scooter Policy.” The result: a university changed for the better. BCPD’s new policy includes a set of rules which are almost certain to halt scooter usage completely. First, scooters and other motorized vehicles must be registered with BCPD. Next, speed limits have been instituted on roads and in parking garages, 15 and 10 MPH respectively. “What about on the sidewalk and on campus?”, you might ask, as we all know this is where the most atrocious scootering occurs. That’s the best part. Scooters are banned from these locations altogether. Nor are they permitted within any buildings on campus aside from residence halls. Finally, the nail in the scooter coffin: students are required to abide by all safety regulations, including wearing helmets. Now, forgive me if I am misjudging the student population of Boston College, but I foresee a massive Herrd harassment of any individual seen on a scooter sporting a helmet. One has to ask, though, what will the enforcement of these rules and regulations look like in practice? Are we to expect officers hiding in the bushes with speed radars, waiting to catch and ticket their next victim? Will scooters be registered with the university sport license plates? If so, will they be random combinations of numbers, or can you pay more for a vanity plate? For some reason, I can just close my eyes and imagine J U R K ⋅ 0 5 zooming towards Fish Field House. 

In reality, though, the effect of these rules will mostly be the retirement of electric scooters on campus. Registering a scooter, parking it outside of every building, walking it through campus, and buying a helmet are just too much of a hassle for most students, and I think it’s safe to assume that scooters will start to disappear from Boston College. One must ask, though, was that the plan all along? Is it possible that this was a mastermind idea to get the football team doing Million Dollar Stair reps? Moreover, can we expect these rules to quietly disappear from the Student Code of Conduct if the team pulls out a shocking win against Clemson? Perhaps some kind of trade-off can be made between the team and BCPD; 5 MPH allotted per touchdown might be incentive enough to inspire a win. Further, what is to come of the NARP scooter aficionados? Must they pay the price of having a mediocre athletics program? 

In my opinion, these regulations were long overdue. Aside from the students who actually require scooters as a mobility aid, the vehicles were a nuisance on campus and, frankly, unnecessary. The absolute furthest walk on this campus takes 20 minutes, and that will undoubtedly include at least one staircase, requiring that you carry said scooter for part of the walk. I cannot imagine a scenario in which these scooters are actually saving you much time, except for their ability to part crowds who fear getting Flat Stanley-ed by a member of the offensive line. Regardless, these regulations are now in effect, hopefully putting an end to the scooter nonsense. We can look forward to crowded elevators, huffing and puffing on the Million Dollar Stairs, and maybe, just maybe, a win against Clemson (probably not).