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Maggie Vaughn and Jyllian Foster / Gavel Media

Lovesick: How to Build a Boy

The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

I spend a lot of time thinking about boys. Some people grow out of this phase somewhere between the sandbox and their twentieth birthday, but I refuse to budge. Despite what people may say or think, I’m perfectly content with my fanciful daydreams of crushes past and present. 

I keep it age-appropriate, of course. Gone are the days of chasing boys around the playground over pulling your hair. I now run into them on campus and frantically update my group chat with information on their whereabouts. 

“You’ll never guess who just walked into the rat!”  

“Spanish boy? Club soccer guy? History professor?”

They almost always guess correctly. At the very least, I’m predictable.

Each thinly veiled code name has a backstory and a character graph. Matt from Principles of Economics is too boring. I want something spicy! Something to write home about. That’s where Skater Econ Boy is born. He’s barely taller than me, but valiantly rides his skateboard down Linden Lane and refuses to help with our group project. I mean he’s kind of cute and will definitely get a good job after graduation, but he lacks depth. Not necessarily the material that good crushes, or potential boyfriends, are made of. 

A normal person, or someone who completes the readings for class, would stop there. 

You see, there are a plethora of Matthews, Marks, Lukes and especially Johns. But be of good cheer! For all they need is a little bit of mental PR and image shaping. Leave it to me and I’ll convince myself (and you!) that he is a prize by the end of the week. 

It starts with a good emotional backstory. Maybe he wasn’t hugged enough as a child, which is why he won’t make it official after 3 months of hooking up. Or maybe he’s just shy and awkward, so it’s hard for him to text back within 24 hours. 

Next you need a comeback story. He didn’t help with the group project, but nonchalantly thanked you for doing the whole thing. Or perhaps he ignored you at Circle, but invited you to his Mod when he made it home. 

Lastly, you need to convince your friends he looks nothing like his Instagram photos. “He’s grown a lot since Junior Prom! I promise he looks better with a fresh haircut.” 

When all these steps are completed, let it marinate for a bit. Time does wonders and wears down your sensibilities and standards.

If things go well you’ll be sitting in the audience of his comedy or acapella show in no time. Don’t worry though, you won’t be able to hear anything over the deafening tick of your biological clock. 

Just remember: Every guy is misunderstood if you try hard enough! 

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Enthusiastically from Southwest Virginia. Lover. Hater. Fan of four letter words.