add_theme_support( 'post-thumbnails' );Hokey Horoscopes: Valentine’s Day Edition - BANG.
Helen Geckle / Gavel Media

Hokey Horoscopes: Valentine’s Day Edition

Happy almost-Valentine’s Day Eagles! The groundhog may have predicted six more weeks of winter, but that’s not stopping us from plugging away at new horoscopes for all of you. Whether you’re swiping through Tinder all February long, or a freshman who’s found their ring before spring; these horoscopes will tell you how you’ll be celebrating on the 14th. As a reminder, Hokey Horoscopes are written by overly cynical Gavel writers, not highly trained and licensed astrologists, so we suggest you take our infallible predictions with a grain of salt. 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Do not, under any circumstances, text your ex. It’s a terrible idea of immeasurable proportions, and we here at The Gav’ think you’d be better off plucking out your eyebrow hairs one by one than sending them that paragraph you’ve been drafting in your notes app these past few days. 

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Whether it’s for your partner or just your roommate, You pull out all the stops for V-day. We predict your day will be occupied by writing heartfelt (and maybe sarcastic) cards for your loved ones and picking out flowers.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – You’ve been eyeing your class crush since the beginning of the semester, and it’s finally time to shoot your shot. Ask them to get coffee after class, or write them a cute note and slip it into their backpack like you’re in middle school. After all, if not now, then when?

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Whether you're a diehard Parks & Rec fan, or just an avid supporter of female friendship, Galentine’s Day is your priority this February. You probably have a brunch reservation and a favorite rom-com to watch with your closest friends this February 13th. 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22) – It’s an anti-men Valentine's day for you. You’ve had enough of their shenanigans, so you are casting them all away this February 14th. We predict you will order Chipotle and dance to Miley Cyrus’s Flowers (on the new Gavel Groove playlist), and you'll enjoy every second of it. 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – You love Valentine's Day but hate crowds, so you and your partner will stay in and eat lots of holiday candy while cuddled up on the couch. Even though this is pretty much what you guys do every time you hang out, it will feel extra special this Tuesday. 

 

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – You claim to hate Valentine's because ‘it’s a capitalist holiday’, but we see you eyeing the candy hearts and roses in stores this season. You love love more than your steely demeanor would let on. We see you and your favorite person binging rom-coms all night long. 

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – February 14th isn’t really your thing. February 15th however, when all the Valentine’s candy goes on sale, is like a national holiday to you. We foresee you calling it an early night on Tuesday so you can be on the first bus to the Cleveland Circle CVS on Wednesday. 

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – We’ll be honest, you forgot it was Valentine’s Day this week. Your Tuesday will be spent scrambling to put together a gift for your partner who’s definitely had your gift planned since Christmas. Good luck trying to get a dinner reservation, we don’t foresee much luck in your future. 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – You and your partner have been planning this day for months. Whether this is your first V-day together, or your fifth, the excitement is all the same. The two of you will have a lovely evening, and in all likelihood put yourselves in debt from all the surprises you have planned for each other. 

 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – You consider the Super Bowl to be the only February holiday of any importance. After the game ends, it’s pretty much a race to St. Patrick’s day for you. You’ll probably spend the 14th meticulously crafting your March Madness Bracket to have the best chance of winning your friend group’s betting pool. 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – With the help of Tinder, you’ve lined up three dates this Valentine’s Day so if one of them falls through, you have a backup (and another backup). You can’t help it if you’re just that popular. You’ll spend the evening having three dinners with three different guys. If nothing else, it’s a nice break from BC Dining. 

 

Website | + posts

Comments