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Maggie Vaughn and Jyllian Foster / Gavel Media

Lovesick: Democrat in the Rough

The Gavel's Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

He’s funny. He’s respectful. He’s a little less conventionally attractive than most guys on this campus. He’s different. He’s a diamond in the rough at a college full of future investment bankers and “socially liberal, fiscally conservative” (which just means conservative with a gay friend or a sister) guys. He’s… a Democrat. And he won’t shut the hell up about it. 

Recently I was swiping through Hinge when I saw a guy with the prompt “I won’t rest until…” followed by the endearing answer “every woman has the right to an abortion.” And despite the fact that I am decidedly pro-choice, something in me curdled upon seeing this profile. Maybe I’m just critical, but I am immediately turned off by a guy that thinks support of my basic human rights makes him special and attractive. Of course, I want a partner that shares my values. But how does one find a balance between the guy who stands right behind you at the Women’s March—and stares at your ass—and the guy who’s across the road calling you a witch for wearing a crop top?

This is a phenomenon that appears across this campus, not just on dating apps! These Democrat Men are proud to share with you that they are different—they have a sister! They voted for Biden! Whether you find them in BC Dems or in a Fundamental Concepts of Political Science course, these men will happily wear their liberal beliefs on their sleeve—so long as you’ll sleep with them for it. They love when girls are sexually liberated. “Free the nipple! Free it in my bedroom! Don’t worry, we can have unprotected sex, I’ll totally pay for the abortion, but pleaseee can we not use a condom? I don't like the way it feels. STDs? C’mon, I respect you way too much to give you herpes.” 

Do you catch my drift? I hate to admit it, but I think the Democrat Man might be just as bad as the usual CSOM bro. They abuse their “Democrat in the Rough” status to draw women in, then hold themselves to a lesser standard than other men. They are all-too-aware that they are a special minority for a host of left-leaning women searching for the bare minimum: a guy who respects basic human rights. But they also seem to know just enough about the ideology they claim to cling to in order to use it against women. 

 “Wait—you want to be exclusive? You want to be officially dating? Sorry, babe, I just don’t conform to those heteronormative, archaic rules. Do I want to get married someday and have kids? Are you serious? We have to seize the means of reproduction from the bourgeoisie!” 

And then two weeks later, he has a girlfriend. They’ll get married on the stairs of St. Ignatius in 2027 and have two beautiful children and a golden retriever in Milton, MA. Congratulations to the happy couple!

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