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Helen Geckle / Gavel Media

Hokey Horoscopes: May Edition

It’s May, Eagles! That means it’s Taurus season, finals season, and the beginning of summer all wrapped up in one amazing month, or something of the like. I honestly never know what I’m supposed to write for this paragraph, and chances are none of you even read it anyway. Go ahead and just skip to whatever horoscope is your own since I know that’s what you were going to do anyway. Don’t trust my opinion about your future, or do, I’m not your mom. I have three papers due this week but I decided to do this instead. 


Aries (March 21 – April 19) – The Mudstock team has been assembled, and you and your friends are ready to dominate the Mod Lot on the last day of class. You’ve been preparing for this since Christmas, so there’s a significant chance that you care more about this than everyone else on your team combined. We wish you the best of luck getting them whipped into shape.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – This month is going to be really difficult for you seeing as you’re going to have to divide custody of all the little inside-joke-related trinkets you and your roommates amassed over the course of the year. We wish you well on this difficult journey as you divvy up polaroids, stolen street signs, gnomes, or whatever your roomies collect.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – You’ve been saying you’re going to go to the Plex since New Years, and you’ve yet to cross the front desk threshold. Now is your last chance to fulfill your New Year’s Resolution before the semester is up. Please, your friends are tired of hearing you complain about how you never have time. 


Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – As a low-level kleptomaniac, the last few weeks of class are like Black Friday for you. We predict you’ll use your remaining time on campus to steal whatever catches your fancy from house parties. We recommend you ignore the alcohol and go for the useful items: toilet paper, lysol wipes, trash bags; you know the drill. 


Leo (July 23 – August 22) – You should really start reading The Gavel. We know you only check the website when these horoscopes go up (and we appreciate that) but help us out! We do some pretty good reporting, and occasionally we’re kind of funny. Help us out. Please. No pressure though!


Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Your commitment to not studying for your finals is truly astounding. It's opening day of finals season, and there’s nothing that motivates you less than a fast-approaching deadline. Your trademark procrastination will be your demise unless you pick up that textbook that’s been collecting dust on your desk over these last three weeks. 


Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Something tells us that we need to remind you that the profiles on Tinder are actually real people and not just bots that tell you how pretty you are. You’re ghosting a lot of them as soon as they ask to hang out with you in person, and our question to you is: what did you think was going to happen?


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Take a second and think about if you actually need to start a new show right now. You have two exams, a group project, and a 10-page paper all due next week, but you’re right, now is the perfect time to rewatch New Girl. It’s not even on Netflix anymore so you’ll have to watch with ads, so what’s really the point?


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Use these last few weeks on campus to be an Eagle for Others and share your meal plan with hungry students. You likely still have $500+, and there’s really only so much chicken and two sides one person can eat. Offer to pay for your friends and classmates and watch yourself become the most popular person on campus.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – You’re probably 60% mozzarella stick by mass at this point. Those late nights in O’Neill and frequent trips to the Rat for a little late night pick-me-up are symptoms of unparalleled academic weaponry. You will dominate the competition this finals season and destroy the curve, all without eating a single vegetable. 


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Loving Taylor Swift is not a personality trait. Yes, she’s produced 10 of the best studio albums of the last two decades, but you have to move on. LOL, just kidding, Taylor is everything and we’re so mad that she already played “I Bet You Think About Me.” See you at Gillette on May 19 and 20. 


Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – We know you have three of them this weekend alone, but don’t buy multiple dresses for your club formals. No one will notice if you wear the same one twice seeing as the party is in a dimly-lit off campus basement. While we’re on the subject, don’t wear heels either unless you want to walk home barefoot. 


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MCAS '25, Communications. Probably thinking of Parks and Rec fan theories and counting down the days until camp as you are reading this.