Maggie Vaughn and Jyllian Foster / Gavel Media

Lovesick: Crushing on a Straight Girl

The Gavel
Maggie Vaughn and Jyllian Foster / Gavel Media
Written by 

The Gavel’s Diatribe acts as the satirical medium for short rants over topics ranging from complete triviality to utmost importance.

Crushes are horrible and amazing at the same time. They may consume your thoughts, but the idea of a relationship actually happening often makes the obsession worth it. For me, crushes give me literal symptoms of psychosis. I’ve altered my mannerisms, appearance, opinions, and what I like or don’t like. I lose my self-respect in an effort to curate a version of myself that the other person likes.

Now, let’s discuss a particularly brutal experience – crushing on a straight girl. As a queer person, I had remarkably not experienced this type of tragic, all-consuming crush until recently. Delusion really pulls a lot of weight with these types of crushes. It’s a little too easy to create a relationship in your head that doesn’t and likely will never exist. Friendships, especially female friendships, often involve physical or emotional affection, which blurs the lines even more for a lovesick queer individual. I am that extremely delusional queer individual.

It hurts to know that every interaction we have means so much more to me than it does to her. When she tells me she loves me in a casual way, I never say it back because I know that I mean it in a way that can never be reciprocated. I hate hearing her talk about her celebrity crushes or the cute guys in her classes. I try to convince her that he’s ugly or that he would be a horrible boyfriend and that she’s way too good for him. I hope that it never happens but I know that it will. I know that, but every little touch or compliment keeps me holding on. I know nothing will ever happen between us yet I wake up every day trying to see her as much as possible and make her laugh as much as I can.

At this point, I’m like an evangelical Christian trying to mentally perform conversion therapy on a straight person. Instead of praying the gay away, I’m praying she gets possessed by the gay and suddenly realizes that she is queer and is also in love with me. Crushes make you think crazy things. I would never want someone to come out when they are not ready or to engage in a relationship that they are not interested in. The version I have of her in my head is a totally different person than who she really is, and it can be hard to come to terms with that. 

This is a unique type of unrequited love because it truly is impossible. There is no hope to hold on to, yet we find some anyway. These types of crushes suck, especially as a queer person who may struggle to find other people like them on BC’s campus. Unrequited love can be draining and make us doubt our self-worth, so it’s important to remember that everyone deserves to feel the love they give to others. I don’t have everything figured out. I’m not even over my crush, so I definitely don’t have the solution. What I will say is that so many queer people have this experience, and if you can relate to this, you are not alone. 

Website |  + posts

Comments

Categories: ,
, , , , , , , , ,
Related Articles

Latest Posts